Saturday, October 14, 2006

Gardening is Therapeutic

mmmmmmm... The curative effects of gardening are really curative -for the soul at least, can't say the same for my bank account. I've spent $50 in two days for two very small flower beds. I've actually done quite well because I had a discount card for the local home improvement world (I can hardly call such a behemoth a store).

I can feel the age in my limbs after several hours leaning in the garden. But these are pleasant aches -the aches from something fun and relaxing that drives the unrelenting tension away. And what a payoff! I can peep out my window and look at the sunshiney faces of my gerber daisies and their less bold friends swaying in the early autumn (such as it is in Florida) breeze. I put in some lovey ground cover (blue haze?) in the larger bed where my bottle brush tree and gladiolas are bedded down. Then I spent hours -literally hours- wrenching out some sort of invasive vines that seem to be attacking everything in my beds -nearly all of my Mexican Heather has been choked back by these treacherous weeds and they've begun their assault on my rosebushes. The sneaky things have bright pretty small green leaves. Without getting a close up view, I'd thought all my plants were thriving. A couple of days ago while working outdoors, I noticed that all the "pretty" green was some awful murderous weed. GAAAGH!

There's plenty more to do, but it will all have to wait at least a couple of days. I have gardening to do, but it's of a more personal kind. Sometimes one must nurture one's own tender life. Tomorrow we're breaking from routine. Rather than rushing off to church we're rushing off to breakfast out. In place of tiring ourselves doing home improvements and car repairs, we're going to tire ourselves enjoying some family time, maybe a little light shopping, a movie?

Monday (no school -some sort of teacher workday) I'll be taking the kids off to the Museum with some friends. My closest friend and her granddaughter will be coming with us to Tampa to the Museum of Science and Industry. MOSI sounds very serious and stuffy, but is actually quite a bit more child-oriented than most museums. And the little kid inside me loves those hands-on exhibits. I simply can't wait for the planetarium and the IMAX dome theater. Maybe I'm more excited than the kids! Wish us a safe drive -it's only an hour away, but traffic going to Tampa can be pretty hairy.

BTW, thanks for the comments on my previous post. And personal note to Kay, I AM considering using the blog as a bit of my therapy -I'm currently seeing a counselor who's always suggesting I write letters (though most likely not mail them) to those who've caused some of the hurt and negativity in my life. I'm just shying away from putting too much negativity on my blog, lest I drive the few readers I have left away from me. Comments always welcome. Have a lovely weekend. I know I will!


Thursday, October 05, 2006

Confession right here in my own personal confessional

Confession is good for the soul, yes? I haven't written ANYTHING on this blog in a shocking 3 months. I confess, there were times that I WAS on the 'puter surfing random triviality and probably could have found the time for a quick post. I just don't know why I haven't bothered. Lazy? Underachiever? More interested in Regis and Kelly during Little Bear's naptime? (not so likely).

So anyway, I read my last post and it sure seemed negative. Made me feel guilty. Don't worry much, EVERYTHING makes me feel guilty. I decide today that I'll try something new. Get things out into the open. Utilizing this post as a private (hah) confessional, I hope to clear my mind of some of my negativity so maybe I can move on.


1) I'm fat. Overweight. Hate it. No one else even seems to be bothered about it, but I hate myself for it. HATE MYSELF. I feel ugly and disgusting. It's depressing me and making me procrastinate about dieting and exercising and buying any clothing that might make me look a little better and therefore feel a mite better about myself.

2) I don't do ANYTHING for myself and I feel incredibly guilty if I do. It even stretches as far as buying myself new bras and panties. I'll pick things up and think about all the things that the kids want or would like to have and all the things hubby wants and/or needs and I put everything back and get "presents" for them. I feel guilty to even linger in the bathroom for an extra 5 minutes to finish the chapter I'm on. I feel guilty to just sit quietly reading or relaxing instead of doing housework while Little Bear naps. I feel guilty spending any time at all on the telephone when Kangaroo is home from school and Little Bear is playing. I feel guilty if I get to go to the store for an hour all by myself while Daddy stays with the kids.

3) The one way that I do try to do something for myself is not healthy. I "reward" myself with special chocolates and other fattening junk. And I generally sneak it these things -when one's at school and the other is sleeping or going off to soak in the tub when they're with Daddy and bringing chocolates with me. This is one of the reasons I'm fat. And I feel extreme guilt about that.

4) I have a horrible HORRIBLE relationship with my mother. It's not my fault at all -REALLY and I'm actually going through counseling for it. So that I can convince myself that there's nothing wrong with me and let go of some of THAT guilt.

5) I'm a terrible procrastinator. I can't seem to get anything done until it's the eleventh hour. And sometimes not even then.

6) I often feel like a lousy mother. People are always telling me I'm such a good mom, but I still feel like the worst Mom in the world.

7) I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I'm always tired. Everything, including making plans to do something that I enjoy, feels like so much work.

8) I worry incessantly about everything. Sometimes when somethings bugging me I stay awake at night.

9) I'm a total control freak. It stretches into every area of my life and I'm pretty sure it's making everybody around me crazy.

10) I have ZERO patience. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not one iota.

11) I feel responsiblity for EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY -including how others feel. I feel terrible if I can't help someone resolve whatever problem or worry they have.

12) I occasionally cuss like a sailor. I'm really trying to stop.

13) I can't stand other people being disrespectful or inconsiderate of others. You know them -the aisle blockers, the ones who MUST drive 5-20 miles per hour below the speed limit. The drivers applying make-up, the woman who jumps into the express lane in a packed grocery store even though she clearly has 40, not 20 items, the ass who will look right at me turning my cart with the screaming overtired toddler into a lane at the grocery and still dive in front of my because they are so more important than me and my kid (NOT!!!)

14) I am horrible at saying no to anyone about anything. And when I do force myself I can hardly live with the guilt.

15) All of these things about me drive me crazy, but I rarely do anything to change these behaviors.

Any confessions from any of my readers who have long disappeared or any lurkers?