Thursday, October 05, 2006

Confession right here in my own personal confessional

Confession is good for the soul, yes? I haven't written ANYTHING on this blog in a shocking 3 months. I confess, there were times that I WAS on the 'puter surfing random triviality and probably could have found the time for a quick post. I just don't know why I haven't bothered. Lazy? Underachiever? More interested in Regis and Kelly during Little Bear's naptime? (not so likely).

So anyway, I read my last post and it sure seemed negative. Made me feel guilty. Don't worry much, EVERYTHING makes me feel guilty. I decide today that I'll try something new. Get things out into the open. Utilizing this post as a private (hah) confessional, I hope to clear my mind of some of my negativity so maybe I can move on.


1) I'm fat. Overweight. Hate it. No one else even seems to be bothered about it, but I hate myself for it. HATE MYSELF. I feel ugly and disgusting. It's depressing me and making me procrastinate about dieting and exercising and buying any clothing that might make me look a little better and therefore feel a mite better about myself.

2) I don't do ANYTHING for myself and I feel incredibly guilty if I do. It even stretches as far as buying myself new bras and panties. I'll pick things up and think about all the things that the kids want or would like to have and all the things hubby wants and/or needs and I put everything back and get "presents" for them. I feel guilty to even linger in the bathroom for an extra 5 minutes to finish the chapter I'm on. I feel guilty to just sit quietly reading or relaxing instead of doing housework while Little Bear naps. I feel guilty spending any time at all on the telephone when Kangaroo is home from school and Little Bear is playing. I feel guilty if I get to go to the store for an hour all by myself while Daddy stays with the kids.

3) The one way that I do try to do something for myself is not healthy. I "reward" myself with special chocolates and other fattening junk. And I generally sneak it these things -when one's at school and the other is sleeping or going off to soak in the tub when they're with Daddy and bringing chocolates with me. This is one of the reasons I'm fat. And I feel extreme guilt about that.

4) I have a horrible HORRIBLE relationship with my mother. It's not my fault at all -REALLY and I'm actually going through counseling for it. So that I can convince myself that there's nothing wrong with me and let go of some of THAT guilt.

5) I'm a terrible procrastinator. I can't seem to get anything done until it's the eleventh hour. And sometimes not even then.

6) I often feel like a lousy mother. People are always telling me I'm such a good mom, but I still feel like the worst Mom in the world.

7) I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I'm always tired. Everything, including making plans to do something that I enjoy, feels like so much work.

8) I worry incessantly about everything. Sometimes when somethings bugging me I stay awake at night.

9) I'm a total control freak. It stretches into every area of my life and I'm pretty sure it's making everybody around me crazy.

10) I have ZERO patience. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not one iota.

11) I feel responsiblity for EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY -including how others feel. I feel terrible if I can't help someone resolve whatever problem or worry they have.

12) I occasionally cuss like a sailor. I'm really trying to stop.

13) I can't stand other people being disrespectful or inconsiderate of others. You know them -the aisle blockers, the ones who MUST drive 5-20 miles per hour below the speed limit. The drivers applying make-up, the woman who jumps into the express lane in a packed grocery store even though she clearly has 40, not 20 items, the ass who will look right at me turning my cart with the screaming overtired toddler into a lane at the grocery and still dive in front of my because they are so more important than me and my kid (NOT!!!)

14) I am horrible at saying no to anyone about anything. And when I do force myself I can hardly live with the guilt.

15) All of these things about me drive me crazy, but I rarely do anything to change these behaviors.

Any confessions from any of my readers who have long disappeared or any lurkers?



  • You're not alone.

    I too am fat and know it but would rather break out another choccie than jump on the exercise machine or take a walk. I too swear like a trooper. I don't feel guilty yet but I can't imagine not having my son around. I don't feel like I'm a very good mum and I really don't believe my mother-in-law when she kisses my butt... she exaggerates. I'm very intolerant but yet I do the very things I'm intolerant of.

    I hope that we can sort ourselves out :D

    Good luck!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:12 AM  

  • Hey Lisa, I found myself nodding agreement and adding a personal tick to almost every item on your list. You express it all so well - maybe you should be a writer :)...or at least write more on your blog! Stop beating yourself up. You can get by in life a lot better by letting things go, smiling and enjoying the moment than struggling to be the perfect mother, daughter and wife and feeling miserable from tiredness, overwork and stress. Take it easy and smell the roses that's my advice (and good advice to myself as well!)

    By Blogger night-rider, at 8:49 AM  

  • do you know me so well when we have never meet. It was almost bizzare to have it all written down before my eyes things I have only thought about.

    I can only wish for us to find a way to love ourselves faults and all.

    By Blogger On my way, at 12:57 PM  

  • Oh, my goodness. I had a not-so-happy day today where it really got to me that there was a three-way conversation, yet I felt completely invisible, even when I was speaking. I came home and impulsively typed in "invisible people" and your blog popped into the search engine. Reading through your blog entries sure makes things seem okay. I feel just like you describe! I have five kids and feel guilty a lot for no apparent reason. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding and encourages me to take time for myself. It's still tough to do after so many years of old habit. I'm working on the chocolate thing, too, and I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to lose weight, beating myself up about all the reasons I should be thin again. It's good to hear my insecurities and frustrations spelled out by someone who feels the same way! Thank you!

    By Blogger Paige of Pearls, at 5:29 PM  

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