AM I FREAKIN' INVISIBLE OR WHAT?

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Why hasn't HR Lady gotten back to posting everyday like she used to?

The short answer? I'm depressed. I'm fighting really hard against the depression, but it's a losing battle. All I want to do is sleep and eat.

The thing causing my depression is beyond my control. I think that just makes it worse for a control freak like me. I really don't know how to end the depression. It's making me feel like a big failure. I'm not telling you for sympathy. I'm not suicidal and crying for help. I'm just unbearably sad.

It's because of a highly disfunctional relationship with my mother. It has nothing to do with anything I've done wrong. In fact, I think I've been a pretty good kid to her -I was always an honor student, worked hard, Christian, family person, never did drugs, was never much of a drinker, never tried to sponge off of her, always tried to please her. Technically, it's not even my mother's fault. She had a bad childhood -horrible like they write movies about. I think it's caused some mental illness. Unfortunately, the brunt of her problems hits me and NOT my brother and sister. I don't think she even realizes it, but it's obvious from her actions and words that she resents me. Blames me for all of the problems in her adult life. Even envies me because my life appears to be going well for me. I know it sounds ridiculous for me to say these things, but other people have picked up on it.

I've tried very hard to be understanding. Tried to make it clear to her that she needs help (in a gently way). I've put up with her cutting me out of her life completely for months at a time -not speaking to me at all and influencing my deadbeat brother and sister who live with her to do the same. I've put up with her trying to punch me in the face and hit me (I usually just back out of her line of fire) because I wouldn't argue with her. I've put up with her verbal abuse. I've put up with her twisting my words. I've put up with her disrespecting me. I've put up with her being insulting and verbally abusive toward me in front of my child. I have seen the impact that has on my husband and child. I know that the best thing is to keep away from her. But it's destroying me.

Please don't feel obligated to make sympathetic noises. Please don't think you're getting only one side of the story. I just had to get this out of me. I'm hoping it will help me break away from this depression. I've been through counseling. I'm done with that. Counselors and priests both have suggested I maintain my distance from her for my own mental health. I know that's what's best for me. It's just really hard to deal with having a mother and not having a mother. If anyone else has had a similar experience and wants to share, or knows someone else who did and wants to share, I'm open to that. I feel like a freak knowing my mother doesn't love me. She hates me. It's awful.

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2 Comments:

  • I know that it may be painful to do some cutting out yourself...but sometimes it's just not worth the work you put in.
    I remember a therapist once asking me while I still went to visit my verbally/emotionally abusive father.
    She asked if I was looking for his love and approval.
    I said I guessed so.
    She asked if I got it.
    I said no.
    Then she asked me why I still go.
    It was like a light shone on me.
    I didn't have to if it continued to be painful for me every time I went.
    Life has been calmer and less drama filled and depressing without him continuously telling me what a shitty person I am...when in fact it isn't me who is the shitty one.
    Not everyone loves their children...or child.
    I had to get with that program.
    I didn't think it could be possible, but it is.
    He doesn't treat his other children like he treats me..why is a mystery with no answer.
    Some things just are, and we have to make the right decision for ourselves...to protect ourselves.
    I'm no stranger to depression, and it's a friend that never forgets to visit every so often.
    I hope you can show that familiar friend the door soon.

    By Blogger Radmila, at 11:25 PM  

  • Hi just surfed in, I actually have 2 friends who have this type of relationship with their mother, one keeps trying to please her mother, shes been trying for the 10 years I have known her to no avail, but still she tries. The other has cut her mother out of her life several times, she moves and 'disapears' when she isnt involved with her she is much happier, she is a very independent person but her mother usually manages to track her down one way or another. I spent all one summer trying to convince her mum that I hadnt seen her only for someone else to give her, her daughters phone number. Its not easy, both her and I suffer from depression, I understand where your coming from, thoughts are with you.

    By Blogger elspeth, at 5:40 AM  

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